As Ben and I were reading in our book “But If Not” by Joyce and Dennis Ashton I came across this quote;
“When you get pregnant, it’s like planning a fabulous trip to a place you’ve dreamed of all your life, maybe…to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make wonderful plans. It’s all very exciting. After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands The stewardess says, “Welcome to Holland.” “What!? I signed up for Italy…I’ve wanted to go there all my life!” “Well there’s been a change in the flight plan, and here you must stay!” It’s not a horrible place, just different than you expected. You must learn a different language. And everyone you know is talking about their trip to Italy, and how wonderful it is there. “Yes,” you say, I was supposed to go there too. The pain of this change will never go away, the loss of your dream. I will try and see the beautiful things in Holland. They have tulips and windmills!”
Although this quote is referring to a woman who had a child with disabilities, I felt very emotional when I read this. I had a very similar experience. One of my best friends recently had her little baby girl, while she was pregnant, I found out I was pregnant as well. After seeing her go through her pregnancy, and when she gave birth, I was so excited to visit Italy like she did. But, once I found out about Will’s diagnosis, I knew I wasn’t going to Italy, probably not Holland either. I have many friends who have had their babies and I envy their wonderful experience, and I wish I could have that.
But, if there is anything I’ve learned from any trial I have every gone through, is it that if I sit and feel bad for my situation and I’m jealous of others I feel worse about myself and my situation. The fact is, I am not going to Italy. I am going somewhere else and I don’t exactly know where, but I am going to try to find the wonderful things there. Sometimes it’s hard, and some days you get really sad and its almost impossible to find the positive things about your situation. But we have to. We have to find those little things that make our day a little better, that let us notice the hand of the Lord in our lives.
Today was one of those hard days, we had another doctor’s appointment in Idaho Falls to check the status of the baby, get any second opinions, and know more about what to do from here. Ben and I felt nervous, anxious, and uncomfortable on our way down there. The doctors are wonderful, everyone is so nice. But when you have a complicated pregnancy, you hate going to the doctor. It put me in one of those moods where I didn’t want to do anything. I wanted to lay in my bed and pretend it wasn’t real. I was talking to one of my friends at school one day; she was explaining to me how she had recently gone through a trail of her own and she just flat out said; “it sucks.” I had to laugh, because it is so true.
I looked at Ben after we got home from the doctor appointment, he was having a hard time. He felt sad, upset, stressed. He was explaining to me how he felt, and my emotions were pretty close to his. I finally looked at him and said; “it sucks.” He laughed a little bit and said; “yep, it really does.” It. Just. Sucks. It does, its hard, I didn’t sign up for this. No one does. And sometimes I have to tell myself that my situation is awful. Because it is! But does that mean I give up? Of course not. Life throws curve balls at you, and it’s easy to just crawl into your hole and be sad. Trust me, I’ve done it and it doesn’t help, it actually makes it worse.
We must face reality, we must say to ourselves; “this is the way it is, and it sucks.” And then say; “but, at least I am not going through it alone, but I have my husband.” Or whatever makes you happy, and whatever happy things you can find in that day no matter how small. I love this video because it really expresses the importance of taking it one day at a time, and depending on the Lord.
This Quote from Elder Holland always helps me when I feel like I want to give up; “Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be alright in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come.”
I can’t express more my testimony and my belief that this is true. That this life is not the end. That because of Jesus Christ, we can have hope that everything will be okay, and we can depend on him. I know I’m imperfect, I know that bad things happen. But I also know that this is not the end. And sometimes, my testimony is that happy thing I find in my days, and that’s enough.
“While deliverance isn’t immediate, and you may not see the end, still, you’ve got enough for today.” – Elder D. Todd Christofferson