A Letter to Myself

When I was in high school, I was very concerned with having a boyfriend. Which is something every girl worries about as a teenager. All of my friends had boyfriends, or guys that liked them. I felt jealous, insecure, and self-conscious of the fact that guys wouldn’t ask me out on dates, or to dances, or for anything romantic. During this time in my life I felt like I was ugly, dumb, all the negative things that would make boys not like me. As I watched all of my many friends have boys falling all over them, going on dates, having their first unforgettable kisses, I realize now how shallow I was.

Now flash forward like 3 years later. Yesterday at our doctors appointment we met with many different wonderful people that were helping us make a birth plan when William is born. Because of his deformities he will immediately need to be in he NICU and Ben and I need to be prepared for all outcomes of his birth. We sat with some people to discuss William and how he would be taken care of, how much we wanted to do to. One of the people talking with us asked us how Ben and I’s relationship has been during this time in our lives. We both looked at each other, and Ben replied; “honestly we have definitely gotten a lot closer to each other since we found out about our son.” I didn’t say this to anyone, but I thought to myself about how obsessed I was for someone to notice me in high school, for someone to be my knight in shining armor and to show everyone else that guys actually liked me. And in that moment I realized a profound truth that I hope will help someone else and also help me to never forget.

If you have someone in your life, and you don’t picture them going through the hardest thing you can ever imagine with you, they probably are not someone you should be with, OR there is something that needs to be fixed. I say this because as much as we all wish and dream (both guys and girls) about ‘the one’ or the person you want to spend the rest of eternity with. We all watch and read Nicholas Sparks’ books and movies and think about how perfect your lives would be if we had a good person to spend life with. But I’m telling you right now, that Ben and I have only been married a year and a half and we are already having to face loosing our first child. This to me puts into perspective how at first I wanted that perfect Nicholas Sparks boy, but I didn’t realize as I dated and wished for that perfect guy that yeah he might be good looking, funny, sweet, nice, and might think I’m the greatest thing n the world. But if we were to loose our house, loose money, get in an accident, loose a child, go through the many hardships that life beings you, would he be strong? Would he say to you;”Lets get through this together,” Would he cry with you? Would he make a joke about how you never seem to catch a break to lighten the load on you a little bit? To me that is what should be written about in books, in tv shows, and that’s the kind of people we should be looking for.

As I looked at Ben during our appointments yesterday, as we planned the sad event of our son passing away I was overcome with love toward him. More love than I felt even on our wedding day. Because in marriage, you carry each other, you lift each other. When one person has given up the other says; “No, lets keep going!” When someone says something offensive your spouse knows what you’re going through. You express your feelings toward each other, you learn how the other person copes. And you grow. On our wedding day as we looked at each other and made covenants with each other and God, I never thought that a year and a half later we would be facing this trial, if I did I don’t know if I would have even gone through the marriage in the first place. And I am so glad I did.

“Marriage is the most trusting step in any human relationship. It’s a real act of faith. The very nature of the endeavor requires that you hold onto each other as tightly as you can and jump.” -Jeffery R. Holland


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