Ben and I drove down to Salt Lake the Sunday before William was born. During this time I had many feelings of anticipation, anxiousness, sadness, and fear. I cried when we got to the hospital explaining to Ben how it shouldn’t be this way. Why couldn’t my sweet William be a normal baby? At this point I was ready to let him go. I was ready for Heavenly Father to take him home and for Ben and I to return to Rexburg in empty arms.
The night before Will was born both Ben and I had an overwhelming feeling of peace about our sweet boy. We expressed to each other how we felt excited and happy for his birth. It was a feeling of relief, a feeling that definitely came from the spirit. At this point I was ready for him to pass away, because I knew he would be okay and he would be with my grandma and grandpa and most importantly his Heavenly Father.
I had a planned c-section, being prepped for surgery was hard, I had many different injections, IV’, and the worst part was the epidural. I remember feeling overwhelmed and scared, only for myself. I was nervous for surgery, but not for Will. The placed me on the operating table, and put a big sheet up. I stared right at the sheet, not able to move anything from the chest down. The nurse said; “who do you want back here with you?” I replied; “Ben, my husband.” and waited anxiously for his arrival and a hand to hold as the surgery took place. When I saw him I began to cry, I expressed to him how scared I was. He was a huge support to me explaining to me how proud he was of me, and how much he loved me. During the surgery Ben stayed with me only peaking over the curtain every so often to explain to me what was happening. It was quick when they got to the baby, Ben said to me; “they are cutting the uterus.” and seconds later I heard a sweet cry. That sweet cry declaring new life was the most spiritual experience of my life. I cried as I heard him, Ben looked at me and said; “he is beautiful.” My doctor came around the sheet and held him for me to see, she then turned him around so I could see the back of his head. “That’s a good sign! That he’s crying!” The doctor explained. William was then passed through a small window entering the NICU where Ben and I waited for the nurses to call Ben back to see Will.
Before William’s birth this was the time we expected him to be hooked up to life support. From many different doctors we expected him to not be able to breathe at all on his own and would need a breathing tube. Ben would give him a blessing, He would continue on life support until I was able to see him and we were able to give him his baby blessing, then he would pass away.
I thought about this plan as I waited for the NICU nurses to call Ben back. I looked up at Ben and said; “They are taking awhile to call you back. That’s not a good sign.” At that moment the OR door opened and I heard a women’s voice say; “We are ready for dad.” Ben then looked at me and said “Okay, I love you.” and I replied saying I love you too. The Nurse then came into my view and explained to me; “Mom, baby is doing just fine he is breathing on his own.” That’s when I lost it. I was crying like ugly cry. The feeling of relief that came over me in that moment was one of the best feelings I ever felt. In that moment I felt a complete calmness that just overcame me, peace and happiness.
Since then Will has done extremely well despite the odds he has been given. Because of this I was humbled to understand that Heavenly Father is William’s Father before Ben and I are his parents. And Doctors, and people, and even my own thoughts and my own words lost hope in his survival. I don’t know what the rest of his life will be like. Because of the development of his brain he will be a special needs child, and he is at a high risk for seizures. At this point I feel that our journey with William is not over, and Ben and I have a lot more ahead of us that is going to make us better people, more understanding people, and more dependent on the Lord, Jesus Christ than anyone else. I have learned so much so far and I feel that I have a lot more to learn. I am extremely humbled to be his mother, and to have the privilege of taking care of this sweet spirit.
Take life one day at a time. Today, I am going to enjoy the fact that my sweet baby is alive and with me. This moment, I am going to rest from my surgery and spend time with my husband. This second I am going to thank God and Jesus Christ for their everlasting love. and Forever I am going to be grateful for the fact that Families are Forever, that I get to have William and Ben with me for all eternity. That William’s deformities will not last, that he is beautiful to me, and that the love that God has for his children.
The Atonement of Jesus Christ is real. It is eternal. No matter your situation, no matter the odds that are put against you, or the sadness and mourning you feel. Christ’s Atonement is there for everyone. Even those who doubt it. I know Christ was with Ben and I every step on the way with William and he continues to be with us every step of the way. I love my Savior, and I am forever in debt to him for his loving Atonement that allows me to be with my family forever.
Here are some pictures of William from his birth to just tonight! He is an active little guy that just loves to move around. He loves his binky and sucking on his hand, he has a tight grip and a sweet little face. His personality hasn’t changed since I was pregnant with him, he continues to move around and now he is so vocal! More updates to come. Ben and I will probably be staying in Salt Lake for awhile so the surgeons can come up with a temporary fix to protect his skull. We are praying that we will be able to hold him soon and be able to take him home.
This picture above was when the were on their way to transport Will over from the U of U hospital to Primary Children’s. They brought him over to my room so I could see him, this was the second time seeing him, the first time was when he was first born and only for a second before he was taken to the NICU. This is my expression when they came through the door into my room. The picture below is them entering the room with him. He is not hooked up to anything, just strapped down in order to keep him from moving around and hurting his head.