Today was supposed to be a very sad day. Today was the day we planned William’s funeral. Today we were supposed to mourn the death of our child. But instead we spent four glorious hours with him, holding him, playing with him, reading to him, and loving him. We are so blessed to have him, but sometimes I find my self getting discouraged about the future ahead. We don’t know how long William will be in the NICU and the unsureity of not knowing makes me nervous and anxious. Ben and I are going to stay in Utah until William is able to come out but I fear that we will be here for months waiting for him to be able to come home.
I am recovering from my c-section away from my own bed, my own shower, everything. Pregnancy hormones get the best of me but I find myself getting discouraged, sad, and frustrated at the fact of this.
I think I mentally prepared myself and emotionally prepared myself to get ready to let go of my baby. The fact that I don’t have to and the fact that he is okay makes me so incredibly happy beyond words that the fact that we can’t go home soon or the pain of my surgery. I think sometimes when we get stuck in situations that aren’t ideal we need to remember the wonderful positive and happy things that happen to us. And when you have a baby in the NICU the little things save your life. They keep you sane and they keep you happy.
So, today was a little hard emotionally because of the fact that I wish I could take my baby home. But today, we were able to hold William again I was able to play with him. Ben changes his diaper and changed his dressing on his head. I felt like we were parents in that moment and I was really happy. I think for myself I am going to notice those little things that make me so happy. Like Williams little squeaky noise that he makes, his big eyes, his cute little personality. When I get to hold him.