I never pictured myself at 21 years old married, with a son, and making complex huge medical decisions. This entire week Ben and I have discussed with doctors over and over again on different outcomes with William surgery wise, and for his life. During these past few days I have felt myself completely dependent on the Lord, sometimes even a little annoying because I pray so much. Ben and I met with all of William’s doctors all together in one room, bad news after bad news, hard decision after hard decision. We prayed about six times on the drive back from the hospital. I have never cried more in my entire life. This is hard, this is huge, and I feel so little.
One big thing that I feel is fear. I fear about William’s surgeries, fear about his life, fear about if he were to pass away at any moment. I fear constantly, that I don’t make the right decision, that something will happen to him and he will be taken away from us. The feeling of fear is not a feeling I want to have, it takes away from my faith and hope.
True faith, it faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. It is not having faith that everything will happen the way you want it to. When I was in my YSA ward my first semester of college a girl shared her testimony on faith. She shared a story that when she was serving her mission in England her and her companion were teaching an older gentlemen who was diagnosed with cancer and given a short time to live. They asked him if he wanted to be baptized even though he would most likely pass away. He replied; “of course I want to be baptized! Sisters, I have faith that God will heal me from my sickness, but if he doesn’t, I know he will welcome me home with open arms.” He passed away shortly after he was baptized. This story stuck with me, because in life we go through things we never expect to happen and a lot of the time they are really hard things that you hate to go through. We aren’t freed from our adversities. But, we are given the greatest gift from out Heavenly Father to trust in him, and to depend on Jesus Christ.
As Ben and I continue on this path with William, we continue to keep this mindset of the “But If Not” that I wrote about before. William is Heavenly Father’s child before ours, and I know that no matter what happens God loves me, Ben, and William. He is still aware of us, he is still a loving Heavenly Father. Our lives are all different, we all go through different trials and the odds may be against us, but we must always ave faith.
This Mormon Message was really helpful for me as we come to conclusions and decisions for William and his surgeries and care.
“And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.” Doctrine and Covenants 84:88