“To the Individual Who is Fearful in the Heart”

I never pictured myself at 21 years old married, with a son, and making complex huge medical decisions. This entire week Ben and I have discussed with doctors over and over again on different outcomes with William surgery wise, and for his life. During these past few days I have felt myself completely dependent on the Lord, sometimes even a little annoying because I pray so much. Ben and I met with all of William’s doctors all together in one room, bad news after bad news, hard decision after hard decision. We prayed about six times on the drive back from the hospital. I have never cried more in my entire life. This is hard, this is huge, and I feel so little.

One big thing that I feel is fear. I fear about William’s surgeries, fear about his life, fear about if he were to pass away at any moment. I fear constantly, that I don’t make the right decision, that something will happen to him and he will be taken away from us. The feeling of fear is not a feeling I want to have, it takes away from my faith and hope.

True faith, it faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. It is not having faith that everything will happen the way you want it to. When I was in my YSA ward my first semester of college a girl shared her testimony on faith. She shared a story that when she was serving her mission in England her and her companion were teaching an older gentlemen who was diagnosed with cancer and given a short time to live. They asked him if he wanted to be baptized even though he would most likely pass away. He replied; “of course I want to be baptized! Sisters, I have faith that God will heal me from my sickness, but if he doesn’t, I know he will welcome me home with open arms.” He passed away shortly after he was baptized. This story stuck with me, because in life we go through things we never expect to happen and a lot of the time they are really hard things that you hate to go through. We aren’t freed from our adversities. But, we are given the greatest gift from out Heavenly Father to trust in him, and to depend on Jesus Christ.

As Ben and I continue on this path with William, we continue to keep this mindset of the “But If Not” that I wrote about before. William is Heavenly Father’s child before ours, and I know that no matter what happens God loves me, Ben, and William. He is still aware of us, he is still a loving Heavenly Father. Our lives are all different, we all go through different trials and the odds may be against us, but we must always ave faith.

This Mormon Message was really helpful for me as we come to conclusions and decisions for William and his surgeries and care.

“And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.” Doctrine and Covenants 84:88



5 thoughts on ““To the Individual Who is Fearful in the Heart”

  1. Our daughter, Eliza, was born with cutis aplasia over 16 years ago. We consulted with many experts and have endured many surgeries. My mother emailed the CNN news story regarding Will. We would be grateful to share our experience and resources with you. Feel free to email me with your contact info at erik_byu@yahoo.com We are praying for you and your family.


  2. Our daughter, Eliza, was born with cutis aplasia over 16 years ago. We consulted with many experts and surgeons. She has endured many surgeries. We would be grateful to share our experiences, insights, and resources with you and your family. Please contact me at erik_byu@yahoo.com. We are praying for Will and the two of you!


  3. I don’t know how anyone could leave a negative post for this Beautiful Baby that God intended to make it through his Birth to meet his Mommy and Daddy while he was Alive and has surprised everyone with his will to fight.
    I wish I was in the position to donate some money for your wonderful family but my Family is also struggling with needs for our son who is suffering from an unknown Gastrointestinal Disease.
    All I can do is offer is Prayers for all of you.
    You will all be in my thoughts and prayers everyday.
    God has a reason and a path for your Family.
    God Bless You All!!!!


  4. You are an amazing person whose words and testimony have strengthened me in ways you’ll never know. I tell my children,”you want your testimony strengthened? Read this!” And direct them to your blog. Our constant prayers are with you Ben, and Will!


  5. Hi Ben, Alyssa, William and Blue,
    I have been following your blog since I first saw your story in the news. I am so happy to see that baby Will is home with his family – his pictures are so precious. I am sure that it is an adjustment and very hard sometimes – but in truth you both have been blessed with a little angel from Heaven. He certainly is a fighter and I hope that his ‘will’ pushes him to overcome the obstacles he may face in the future. In truth, as I read your blog, little Will’s story is not one of sadness, but rather one that shows the strength of love and the power of family.
    I have a younger brother who has faced many challenges in his life. He is learning disabled and in the last few years cerebral palsy has taken away his ability to walk. Despite this my mother still takes him to Special Olympics activities/practices every week- and he works part-time in a grocery store. He is active in his church and is well liked by the people in the community. –In the end he will never be defined by the things he can’t do – but rather the numerous accomplishments he has made throughout his life.—— I know you understand what I am saying.
    You guys are very special people and I wish you the best.


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