William was born May 17th 2016 at the University of Utah Hospital. I had a planned c-section that morning at 9:30 am. The night before William’s birth Ben and I met with family for Will’s anticipated death the next morning. Ben and I had a mortuary picked out, a casket and a date. We met with many people to help us create a birth plan for Will. Because of the way Will developed in the womb, doctors anticipated that William would not breathe and would immediately have to be intubated and put on life support. Ben and I decided that we wanted all intervention in order to stabilize Will until I was ready to see him and hold him. We would give him a name and a blessing and then take him off life support and be with him until he passed.
On May 17th Ben and I woke early that morning and drove to the hospital by ourselves, we talked on the way there about how peaceful we felt. We didn’t feel like Will would live, we just felt like everything would be okay, as members of the LDS church we believe that even though Will would most likely pass away that he was still ours, and we would be able to be with him forever. That truth is what got us through the terrible months of my pregnancy, the eternal truth that families are forever no matter what happens.
In the U of U hospital there is a little window in the operating room where babies that immediately need to go to the NICU are passed through. I knew I wouldn’t get to hold Will for awhile after his birth and I knew he would be sent immediately through the window. During the c-section Ben occasionally glanced over the curtain to tell me what was happening, the moment finally came when Will was born, “there he is, definitely a boy.” Ben’s comment was immediately followed by a sweet, beautiful, baby’s first cry. This was a wonderful moment for us because we were expecting Will to come out not breathing, but he was. My doctor came around the curtain to show Will to me, and then show me his head and within seconds he was transferred to the NICU. We waited for the NICU nurses to come get Ben so that he could see Will and give him a father’s blessing right after birth. When the nurse finally came she said; “We are ready for dad.” and then she came into my view and said to me; “mom, he’s breathing on his own.”
The spirit was so strong in that moment I bursted into tears, the anesthesiologist probably felt super awkward but I didn’t care. From months of thinking and anticipating our baby would die, he was alive.
This picture is me in my recovery room at the U of U hospital in Salt Lake City, Utah. It was the first time I was able to touch Will and meet him. He was transferred to Primary Children’s Hospital NICU shortly after we met.
I wanted to share William’s birth story not as a “look how everything turned out so great” thing, but to express how our faith in the Lord’s plan and in Jesus Christ is not because everything turns out great and wonderful, but because its true. No matter the outcome. We must have faith even when things are really bad, even when we may not see the end or understand whats happening. I don’t think I felt peaceful before William was born because the spirit was telling me he would live, it was because during my pregnancy Ben and I made a choice to rely on the Lord, to believe in His plan, and to rely on the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
“If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king. But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up.” Daniel 3:18